Fear

Fear can cripple or empower you. We've had a "depressing week" this week in class. We've covered topics such as PTSD, divorce, family relations, suicide, drug abuse, and other harmful and detrimental things our soldiers endure. It scares you. In one sense, I'm happy with my call, my marriage, and where I am in life at this moment. I've wanted to be in the Army since I can remember...literally. Like most things, I've found the Army to be way better and way worse than I had ever imagined. I go home some days feeling as fulfilled as a human can and other days I go home wondering why I'm here.

This week has caused me to ruminate heavily upon my call. What will a military life look like for me? My family? My marriage? Will my wife resent me for being gone? Will my kids? Are we, as a family, prepared to "always place the mission first" as the Soldier's Creed demands? I've never had questions like this until I actually started training. Reality can be horrifying. Many chaplains, yes chaplains, have endured divorces, substance abuse, and even committed suicide over the occupational stress. Take the already over-stressed work of a pastor and tack on the stress of a military career (long deployments, uncertainty about future, the very real possibility of combat death, etc.).

Today, however, I had an epiphany. I had this same sort of epiphany when I started seminary. Satan is a liar and a coward. One of his best techniques is to place doubt or guilt in your mind. "You're a bad husband for being in the military." "Your wife isn't going to put up with this forever." And, "You're not qualified for this. If you were, you wouldn't be having doubts!" These are all lies and in my heart, I know that. The key is convincing your mind. Fear is natural. I don't know where my future will take me. I feel called to Active Duty but there are practically no slots. Will I get an Airborne slot? Will the Army EVER find me a unit to drill with? Real courage isn't the absence of fear, it's the mastery of it. If I know my wife and I have done all we possibly can to prepare ourselves and our children for the rigors and joys of the military, then what more can we do but leave the details to God?

Me, my lady, and kids, always kids.